The last few weeks have damaged my soul, perhaps irreparably. Every newsflash on TV, every online news post, every facebook status has been a blow, first bruising my optimism, then incising through it until all that is left is a gaping hole with every ounce of hope spurting out of it. Nothing seems to heal it. Its like you're being sucked into the quicksand of despair, and every effort you make to cling onto any shred of optimism seems to suck you in even deeper. How low have we stooped as a nation. First the rampart terrorism, then the ruthless murder of minorities, blowing up houses of worship, lynching innocent boys, corrupt politicians and now they've snatched the last bit of optimism from the nation. Pakistani cricket, perhaps breathed its last today. I just feel sick to the guts. Is there any hope left now? You wonder if there are any honest good people left anymore? Or are they practically extinct? Is morality and honesty a forgotten virtue now? I try to find hope from the most trivial of things. Yesterday it was the joy of finding a mosque for Jummah in a small English town. This morning, it was the expectation of a youthful Pakistani team making the nation proud. Now, its nothing.
Its not that I loved cricket that much or the fact that the cricketing scandal hit me so hard. Its just that perhaps cricket represented the collective hope and optimism of people who were drowning in this constant daily deluge of death and despair. It united us, gave us hope and was something to make us smile. when nothing else worked. Now, it turns out that it was a facade as well, hiding the evil face of deceit, corruption and greed. They betrayed us. All of us. The few remaining simple, optimistic, hopeful ones amongst us. Its like in a dark, dingy, suffocating room, cricket represented a crack in the wall from which fresh air and light managed to reach us. Now, with that gone, we're all left to suffocate in the darkness of despair.
Its a dog eat dog world out there. I was always an idealist. Always in the false delusion that perhaps ideals and virtue reign supreme, atleast, in the end. I don't know what to believe in anymore. I love my country, even though I've practically lived half my life overseas by now. Yet I love it to bits, the kind of love that can make you teary eyed and think about it before sleeping. I'm always the one defending Pakistan whenever one of my friends or acquaintances or random strangers badmouth it. I can't do that anymore. It's like somebody has knocked you in the stomach so many times that it has sucked the air out of you and before you get the last knockout punch, you just give up and fall to avoid further pain and humiliation. Living in a foreign land, your ONLY identity is your country. People identify you as a Pakistani. And every time something like this happens, you hang your head in shame and act defensive, claiming that it's just a few mad people, a few greedy people, a few corrupt people. How long can you realistically keep doing that? Sooner or later empirical evidence would suggest that instead of a few random occurrences, it is infact a deep-rooted, systematic and idealogical phenomenon that is enshrined within the mentality of the people, that it is some incurable malaise that plagues our hearts, minds and souls. I've given up on the inherent goodness of people. All the good people (who are an endangered species) end up being used, abused, and thrown to the dogs. I don't know what to say anymore. Its like another flood has submerged my brain. The deluge of hopelessness and depression. Perhaps, I need to take a break from the world wide web; the blogs, the depressing facebook statuses, the television news channels and the online newspapers. Perhaps, ignorance really is bliss in this crazy world.
I'm heartbroken. There is a big void in my soul now. In a small corner of that void is a tombstone reading: RIP HOPE. (1985-2010).
Tu Sukke Sukke sapne vi pijj gaye
Naina Laggeyan Baarishan
Rove palkan de Kone vich neend meri
Naina Laggeyan Baarishan
Hanju digde ne chot lage dil te
Naina Laggeyan Baarishan
Rut birha de badlan di chhaa gayi
Kaali Kaali raaton se
Hone lagi hai dosti
Khoya Khoya in raahon mein
Ab mera kuch bhee nahi
