Pakistani Hill Driving is categorized as a five level advanced course. Pre-requisite courses include Driving 101, Pakistani Drving 211, Understanding the Psychology of Pakistani drivers 376 and Hazard Driving 420 :) Students should take home the following learning points from this course:
1) Check the following before you leave home
- Breaks
- Tire Pressure
- Horn (Most Important)
- Headlight beams (2nd most important)
- All back mirrors and side mirrors are properly aligned
2) If you're using manual transmission try to alternate between the first and second gear during the ascent. For automatic transmission try using 2 and D3.
3) On every sharp bend and turn, honk as if your very life depends on it in order to forewarn any overtaking vehicles, vans and animals (donkeys, cows, goats and sometimes dogs-yes you read that right)that might be coming from the opposite side.
4) Try to avoid going on Eids, 14 August or any public holidays because you would come across the most outrageously cheap, paindu, hyper crowd seen in the wild wild east. If somehow you HAVE TO GO. Try to ignore their manchala antics, their tere naam type songs, their hooting or their weird way of sitting with their arses sticking out of the car windows. The best way to ignore this is to turn your own music to full volume and look straight ahead. Otherwise, you'll either get mentally depraved or become one of them which is kinda sorta a level higher than complete mental insanity.
5) Some van drivers in particular but sometimes car drivers as well have the tendency to be deaf. So honking wont work on them. It is therefore suggested that headlights should be used with impunity as a "just-in-case" matter. After all safety comes first but most importantly its survival of the jerkiest out there.You might laugh at people wearing sunglasses when its sunset or dark but as you can see now, they do it with good reason: to protect whatever vision/sight they have left.
6) People around you might be eating: Pakoras, crisps, fruits and whatnot. It might tempt you to ask for a helping BUT....DONT DO IT. From empirical evidence, it has been observed that it will almost most certainly ruin your well ironed, cleaned clothes but more than that you might get overtaken by that diesel, sulpher dioxide and carbon monoxide emitting van that took ages to overtake in the first place. (It should be noted that this trip might/perhaps reduce your lifespan by a day or two or perhaps more due to the life-threatening fumes being emitted by the vans/trucks and khota garis :P..However, there is an upside. You can be enlightened literally by the verses/shairs written on the bumpers of the colorful buses etc. The most enlightening one for me was:
maa ki dua, jannat ki hawa :D
7) Yes, the scenery would be awesome, breathtakingly beautiful BUT that doesn't mean that you start looking at the valley yonder coz you would be rudely awaken by some ear deafening honk by the most colorful bus overloaded by people, some even sitting on the roof.
8) You might have been told by someone years ago in your bachpan that when the clouds descend onto the hills, paris (fairies) also descend with them. Although that was said 15 yrs ago,there is still a possibility that it stirs some deep childhood fantasy which makes your sights wander from here to there in search of the fairies. It must be stressed here that it was A FREAKIN MYTH. No paris would come. Even all those girls in the cars are paindu faislabadis, multanis or toba-taik-singhi's with tonnes of makeup stuffed onto their faces. Infact the perspiration of the long journeys they undertake make em look more like the pichal pair churails (witches who have twisted feet or walk backwards) that according to local folklore roam that area.
9) Music is really important for the trip. So try and make sure that you've got songs written onto a CD before you leave...songs that dont tick you off, songs that relax you rather than make you even more restless. Do not rely on the FM radio stations coz somehow during Eid or public holidays, all they broadcast are cranky callers, desperate housewives, sickos calling in and telling their life stories while on live radio. And oh yea, sometimes, if you're having a bad day with all the honking and traffic jam on an inclined slope, hearing Himesh Reshmiya's vocals emanating from deep within his arse might be the last straw.
10) Especially on your way back, you might be tempted to freewheel but do remember that this is Pakistan and there might be some khota, doggie or a bacha who might creep up from behind the bushes.So, keep a lid on the need for speed and keep one foot on the breaks and be ready to use the handbreak in the case of an emergency. Do remember that other passengers accompany you. There is the chance that they might get motion sickness, especially the girls/females. So, if you don't want your car to smell of puke, hath hola rakho. No need for speeding down the hill.
11) The last and final point is about the bandars aka monkeys. You might spot one. You might be tempted to run outside and meet your long lost monkey friends. Your heart might skip a beat seeing the monkey aunty carrying her baby on her back. Its all understandable and makes complete sence BUT try and safely stop your car in a convenient risk-free location. Get off your car. Cross the road by looking left, right and left again. Make sure you have enough food/khana for the whole monkey family coz if you DONT, you'll be sorry. AND you'll have to run fast. Trust me, it has happened in real. They're quite territorial and mind the fact that you gave food to the female monkey but not to the rest of the pack :S.
With this I conclude the first and only lecture on Pakistani Hill Driving. Hope it was an enlightening tutorial for you. God speed and Good luck with your hill driving experience in Pakistan and oh remember to say the kalima before you embark on the drive just in case... :S
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