Why are Pakistani men the way they are...An analysis

A friend once asked me why are 99.8% men (referring to Pakistani men in particular) jerks? Why are they riddled with an almost inherent sence of superiority viz-a-viz women? Why are they so big-headed? Why do they think so little of women, as if women have been sent to this world merely to serve them,to be subservient, obedient, as objects of their pleasure devoid of any independent thinking, enterprise or existence as equal human beings? Why do they look at women as mere re-prodcutive baby machines whose sole purpose is to bring their offsprings to this world? Why don't they respect women and treat them on the same footing as they would treat their fellow males? Why is it that in Pakistan even the so-called "well-educated" men act the same way around women as an illiterate village male, beset with the same thinking and mind-set even though education is supposed to liberate them from such biases and negative frame of mind(s)? Why are men players and flirts who play with women's hearts and minds only to later leave them in the lurch when they have had their way? Why isn't fidelity and loyalty difficult for men to adhere to? The list of questions goes on...To understand all this we have to look at the role and upbringing of a Pakistani male from several different perspectives: Socio-cultural, religious, psychological and other such dynamics that factor into the sum total of what makes a "Pakistani male"...

It all starts from the point when a woman is expecting a baby...Even now, even today, the way a Pakistani girl is brought up, she feels a certain honour and pride in giving birth to a baby boy...The in-laws and even the parents of the girl would boast with pride the fact that their daughter has given birth to a boy...The birth of a boy is nothing short of a celebration with the family distributing sweets throughout the neighbourhood and amongst the relatives...In contrast, the birth of a girl is a more somber occasion to the extent that in some segments of society it is marked by a sence of disappointment...The reason for this reaction is our cultural mindset...Male offsrpings are considered a source of pride and honour...Females are generally considered "paraii" i.e. someone who would ultimately, in a few years time leave the parents home after she is married...In economic terms, and due to cultural reasons, she is considered a liability, a burden, as she wouldn't be there to serve the parents in their old age or support them financially as the males are expected to do...As Pakistan is predominately a rural, semi-rural society where males are considered to be valuable additions who would help the father in a few years time to till the fields or run some family business or trade, therefore their future role becomes precious...Similarly, due to the same cultural mindset, females are by default expected to do the menial chores of the house i.e. jharoo pooncha (cleaning), cooking, sewing and looking after the day to day workings of the household...As a result, their education isn't given the same importance as the males education...The mindset here being: She will be doing the same chores for her in-laws as well, so why spend hard-earned money on her education when the things she will do are such low-skilled? In addition, our society has all these outdated traditions of dowries, high-fi weddings which make her eventual "wedding" such a big burden on parents...So from the on-set, from the very first moment the parents are told by the doctors that they are the parents of a girl, they feel this huge responsibility on their heads...This in a way explains why parents in Pakistan or even India prefer male offsprings...Understanding this is very important as it would explain how their upbringing of males differs from females...

I have noticed in so many households...A mother would give a bigger portion of food to her boys...Boys would be served before...I know these are simple gestures...Perhaps the mothers do it subconsciously but the subliminal messages it sends to the male growing up is that he is in some way "better" or "superior" than the females...Other simple gestures...Brothers would ask their sisters or order their sisters to get them water or something from the kitchen...Mothers would re-iterate this by saying: jao bhai kailiyay paani lao...I know it might be out of respect and all but I've never seen these orders being repeated in the vice-versa...I've not seen brothers getting water for their sisters with the same frequency...I've never seen brothers cleaning the dishes...Similarly, parents would always get planes, cars, action figures as toys for boys but I've seen three sisters being raised up and all the toys they ever got were dolls, doll houses, tea sets, doctor sets, toy dishes and cooking sets etc...So even in the upbringing stage, parents and society in general define the gender roles...I know it happens in the west too...In Pakistan, it is always the set case...Its as if parents are already ingraining this in the psyche of their girls that their role would be as housekeepers and in a way subservient to males...Even when it comes to the stage of education, girls would be generally encouraged to take careers that are seen as
customary for women i.e. fields like home-economics, interior designing, even medical profession or teaching etc...In Pakistan, the ratio of males to females is quite distorted when it comes to main bread and butter professions like engineering, accounting, science etc...I've seen so many intelligent female collegues who got admissions into foreign universities, yet they weren't "allowed" to go even though their brothers were studying abroad...Their parents just didn't think it worthwhile for different reasons but I think the primary ones were that they couldn't be trusted lest they become excessively westernized OR the simple fact that any future proposals would question the character of a girl who has studied and spent 4-5 years of her life in a "Godless western country"...The differences start here, right in the very households that Pakistani males and females are raised in...Sometimes, they are subtle, yet with the preferential treatment accorded to the males always makes them think they are superior or special and the reverse might be true for the female offsprings who resign to this treatment as a "norm" of society and have no choice but to surrender to it...

Another major reason that males use for their attitudes is with reference to religion...Here, they are brainwashed by our very favourite mullah's and religious clergymen who miquote and mis-interpret injunctions from the Quran and Sunnah to justify their mis-treatment of women...They point at different things like the fact that the authenticity of one male witness is equivalent to two female witnesses...That in haqeeqa, two goats are slaughtered for a baby boy whereas only one for a baby girl...They even use the 4 marriages allowed to a man as a sword sticking over the poor girls' head...They even somehow find justification for restricting female education or to taboo females working in mixed workplaces...I've even heard of mullah's mis-interpreting the Hadith that men are allowed to beat women (which if you discuss with any proper Islamic scholar is not the case)...They even justify physical abuse to wives somehow...They somehow find ways to raise the status of a husband to that of a demi-god whose every need and whim should be obediently and silently fulfilled by a woman at all costs and in most cases at the cost of her self-respect and dignity...Some even go as far as quoting that more women than men would be in hellfire in order to justify the fact that women are inferior...However, if you read Islamic texts carefully and interpret it in proper light that isn't the case...Infact according to my understanding, Islam was the first religion to liberate women and to elevate her status in every way, spiritually, economically and as perfect counterparts to men...Just read these Quranic verses and they speak for themselves about the spiritual equality of men and women, of the fact that in God's Ultimate justice, believing men and women would be accorded equal rewards, without any gender discrimination...

“He created you from a single being; then of the same kind made
its mate.” (39:7)

“He has made for you mates of your own kind.” (42:12)

“O mankind, be mindful of your duty to your Lord, Who created
you from a single soul and from it created its mate and from the
two created and spread many men and women. “(4:2)

“He it is Who has created you from a single soul and made there
from its mate, so that the male might incline towards the female
and find comfort in her.” (7:190)

“Of His Signs it is that He has created mates for you of your own
kind that you may find peace of mind through them, and He has
put love and tenderness between you. In that surely are Signs for a
people who reflect.” (30:22)

“For men who submit themselves wholly to Allah, and women
who submit themselves wholly to Him and men who believe and
women who believe, and men who obey Allah and women who
obey Him, and men who are truthful and women who are
truthful, and men who are steadfast and women who are
steadfast, and men who are humble and women who are humble,
and men who give alms and women who give alms, and men who
fast and women who fast, and men who guard their chastity and
women who guard their chastity, and men who remember Allah
much and women who remember Him, Allah has prepared
forgiveness and a great reward.” (33:36)

“Allah will turn in mercy to believing men and believing women;
Allah is Most Forgiving, Ever Merciful.” (33:74)

“Whoso does good whether male or female, and is a believer, shall
enter Paradise and they shall not be wronged a whit.” (4:125)
“Of the believers whoso acts righteously, whether male or female,
We will surely grant such a one a pure life; and We will certainly
reward them according to the measure of the best of their works.”
(16:98)
“Whoso does good, whether male or female, and is a believer, these
will enter the Garden; they will be provided therein without
measure.” (40:41)

“The believers, men and women, are friends one of another. They
enjoin good and forbid evil and observe Prayer and pay the
Zakat, and obey Allah and His Messenger. It is these on whom
Allah will have mercy. Surely, Allah is Mighty, Wise. Allah has
promised the believers, men and women, Gardens beneath which
rivers flow, wherein they will abide, and delightful dwelling
places in Gardens of Eternity, and the pleasure of Allah, which is
the greatest bounty of all. That is the supreme triumph.” (9:71-
72)

“That He may admit the believers, men and women, into
Gardens beneath which rivers flow, wherein they will abide, and
that He may remove their ills from them; that, in the estimation
of Allah, is the supreme triumph.” (48:6)

“Their Lord would answer their supplication. I will not suffer the
work of any worker from among you, male or female, to perish.
You are spiritually akin one to another.” (3:196)

Similary, the Sayings of the Holy Prophet (PBUH) have accorded similar respect, honour and status to women...Its a pity that when the mullahs' quote the ahadith, they overlook, perhaps deliberately these ones:

Mu’awiah ibn Haidah relates: I asked the Holy Prophet: What
is the right of a wife against her husband? He said: Feed her
when you feed yourself, cloth her when you cloth yourself, do
not strike her on her face, do not revile her and do not separate
yourself from her except inside the house. (Abu Daud)

Abu Hurairah relates that the Holy Prophet said: The most
perfect of believers in the matter of faith is he whose behaviour
is best, and the best of you are those who behave best towards
their wives. (Tirmizi)

Abdullah ibn Amr ibn ‘As relates that the Holy Prophet said:
The world is but a provision and the best provision of the
world is a good woman. (Muslim)

Infact Islam was the first religion which accorded women the right of inheriting property from their husbands and fathers...Islam was the first religion that gave women the protection of "haq mehar" which is a kind of endowment which a man must make to his wife at the time of his marriage based on his means...The injunction is so strict that if at the time of the husband's death any amount of mehar is still unpaid, it is to be settled from the estate of the husband as a debt on an a-priori basis which means before settling any other debt or distribution of wealth to the heirs...I can go on and on about this and perhaps I might someday delve into all these matters in a bit more detail when I myself am a little more knowledgeable but the whole point of mentioning all this was the fact that the religion of Islam in essence treats women with the greatest of respect and accords due honour and dignity to her status as a mother, daughter,sister, wife...It safeguards her rights and gives her perfect equality when it comes to the rewards of the hereafter...There are no two ways about it...Sadly, our mullahs brainwash the males with selectively chosen verses, ahadith etc and mis-interpret them out of context and proportion to subjugate the role of women...I think it is the age old way of merely controlling women and imposing dominance...It has nothing to do with the word of God or the conduct of our Holy Propeht (PBUH)...

I think I might have already discussed the psychological factors which make men act the way they are in an earlier post...A woman who thinks independently, who questions them, who is strong willed comes in direct conflict with their ego's...I've seen so many instances where guys have rejected girls (when their mothers showed them as future matches) just because she was way too bright (had excelled academically) or because she was more qualified than them...The reason was simple...They thought that such women wouldn't need them as much or wouldn't be as dependent or easily controllable...They feared that she would start earning more than them and this would be "unmanly" or would make them the laughing stock in their fellow male company...I think sometimes even mothers of the guys have a role to play in this...Mothers don't want their sons to get married to some over-ambitious or extra smart girl as she would directly challenge the saas as the female head of the house and disturb the so called frail balance of power...They think that an educated girl would take their sons away from the mom's...Its all way too complex, this saas bahu game if you ask me but it surely plays a role in screwing with the male's thinking as well...The maa ka laadla, or maa ka bacha thinks he is some prince charming who can get any girl just because he his ego has been inflated by an over-affectionate mom and in some cases dad or sisters as well...The result is that the man always thinks he will get a "yes sir" or "ji jaan" type girl who compromises everything for him...

Society and the herd mentality also makes things worse...Haven't you heard this adage so many times in Pakistani male coversations: "Hassi tay phassi"...They think any sign of normal conversation with a girl in which she smiles or acts normal and talks with you like a normal human being would by default mean that she is "interested romantically" in that person...I lived in a hostel and soooo many times guys would just come and boast that such and such girl smiled at them or talked freely with them...They thought it was a done deal and the girl was all lovey dovey over them while in reality the girl just tried to be civilized and "normal"...It is with such mindsets that guys objectify women and oogle, tarofy them in the bazar's and markets of Pakistan...Its simply due to this massive mis-understanding on their part that you can have a serious, friendly, even platonic and intellectual discussion with a girl without her having any romantic interest in you whatsoever...The bollywood/hollywood movies also make things worse with every tom, dick, harry and maja saja thinking that a girl could fall head over heels in a matter of a conversation, a smile and oh our very favourite "loveee at first sight" bullshit...Its not that simple or straightforward and all this simply acts as a repellent...Its a vicious cycle...Guys start acting like these bollywood heroes and scare the girls out of any normal intellectual contact with guys...So girls develop this self protective shell whereby they simply shun any sort of contact with guys lest they mistake any of their motives or get over-excited and carried away...The more girls become elusive and hard to talk to, the greater they become mysteries for guys and again this fuels their fantasies and again they are encouraged to take the cheapo routes...Perhaps, the theory is right for desi people: a guy and girl can never be friends or have platonic relationships EVER...Our mindsets, our society is still not ready for that...I think cable, mobile phones and bollywood have also fuelled this matter and made Pakistani guys think they are all shahrukh khan's or something...

Well, that was my personal analysis aimed to gain an understanding of the species homo-pakistanius-mard-us...I don't think they will ever get extinct...However I do hope that someday they will evolve...The way forward to that is to simply respect women and treat them like any normal human being who has dreams, ambitions, a brain, a heart and most importantly honour and dignity like them...If they stick to the true ideals and teachings of Islam, I'm sure they will find in women perfect companions, friends, wives etc...After all someone said if life was akin to a cycle, women and men would be the two wheels to that cycle and the only way that cycle can complete its journey through all the bumps and pitholes would be if they are equally balanced and in perfect harmony...Wait a minute: I think I just made that analogy up but you do still get the point, right?



Timecheck: 5:52 am *yawns*